There has been a common theme, a loyal spirit animal, during my deepest, darkest resurrections. As I have been shedding the layers since my personal awakening, back in 2012, I’ve become aware of this butterfly depicted as my logo.
I’d be in the midst of many mental breakdowns with tears flowing, body shaking, not able to collect myself. A total release and undoing. I’d close my eyes and see this image.
Since creating this watercolor image, on August 20, 2019, I’ve tapped back into my love for writing, drawing and painting. A craft I’ve cherished since I was a toddler. A craft that has held and supported me through the experience of life’s ebbs and flows.
During this time of unlocking forgotten loves, I was reaching out to the universe for guidance and direction on a symbol that represents my essence fully. A symbol that encompasses my past, present and future.
I was with my dear friend and fellow homeschooling mama, Elisha, during our weekly homeschool watercolor class. We were chatting about the logo contemplations while I was looking through my watercolor journal. Suddenly it hit me, the butterfly!
Honestly, all of these occurrences are synchronistically fitting. Elisha may not know this, until now, but she is someone who has taught me how to properly support myself and others through unconditional love. I have never had a friend quite like her. She has opened her home and held space for me to swim through the mirky waters of emotion.
Two specific, and very recent, experiences come to mind. Both times, I was traveling through some dark caves of my psyche. The first time, I walked into her home, holding a ton of bags. She took them all off, set them down and hugged me for a VERY long time. Now, as I’m writing this, how symbolic?! Many bags = Holding on to internal baggage. The second time, I was in the middle of the Salisbury Folk Festival, breaking down, once again. She took my hands as we walked side by side so I could unleashed some heavy self realizations. Praise to this motherly Goddess of a friend, Elisha, your love exudes you and fills others. I love you! Thank you for being authentic to you and walking me through this teaching!
Back to the butterfly..
Although I knew that this watercolor was it, I had some reservations. Mainly because butterflies are a common symbol for others and I’ve held onto this “need” to be different than the status quo. However, I can’t deny the power and strength of this fragile being. The energy of lightness and remembrance of flying after being in the shadow and womb of rebirthing. The loyalty and support of a friend, in spirit and human form. The reminder that I am the light within the darkness. That our darkness doesn’t have to be perceived as bad or be ignored. That darkness is our loyal friend too. Without the dark, we wouldn’t shine so bright. The dark just holds different experiences and lessons than light. Honing in on the butterfly’s medicine has graced me with the experience of rebirthing myself and learning to accept myself.
Up until these past couple months, I have been denying who I am in this life. I barely related to my name. I genuinely did not want to be on Earth or to be human. It is not that I had suicidal thoughts or wanted to end it all. I simply did not want to accept the responsibility of who I am and my role. Being human is not easy. Being a highly sensitive human can be even more difficult at times, especially growing up with no knowledge of what was happening. Taking responsibility for our body, our earth, our energy, our individual existence is not for the faint of heart. However, the more I denied myself, the more my physical health began to decline. My soul wanted in but I resisted her love because love and intimacy was not something that brought me comfort. Drama and trauma was comforting because that was my baseline, my normal, for so long. This was the energy that fed me at least a little bit of life to be here, even if being here was half assed. Although though these elements of life brought me pain, I was better able to understand their complexity than that of loves embrace. Love, my soul, was a foreign element that shook the ego self to its core. The self protecting ego that I had built and sustained for many years to barricade my very existence on Earth. Through reaching out, as community is the most important element to healing, I have been chipping away at the barriers I created. I’m learning how to allow my spirit to speak through my personality, the ego. I am allowing fear be my guiding compass to work for me, not against me. For the past three years, my motto has been, “If I fear it, flow towards it.” Verse the usual, shut my mouth, run far away, hide in a corner and crumble in guilt. The slow trickle of my spirit, love seeping in, allowed me the awareness of what I was doing to myself, my relationships and my life by holding onto this denial. With guidance from other healers, shamans, I have learned to alchemize my traumas and dramas into paths of deep transformation, the birth canal of rebirthing myself.
I’m not here to tell anyone that I have all the answers, as I once thought I needed in order to guide. However, I am here to show others that we each hold our own individual truth and it is through our darkness that we unravel this shiny treasure, the holy grail.
As I experience and learn to navigate this healing process, I am better able to guide and support those who also choose to awaken to their truth. I am better able to be who I came here to be, a midwife to the rebirthing of humanity.
And it is in this moment of love and expansion that I welcome you to the resurrection of Amanda Elyse Studio.